Anything but Love
by conventgirlvampire
Summary: Love is a fool's game but to be in love with the one who hurts you the most? Even worse and Rachel finds that out the hard way. Eventual Faberry, Brittana, Puckleberry friendship and Purt. WARNING! Rape in future chapters but T for now.
1. Violet Wrists and Then Her Ankles

**A/N:** I've been reading through all of CrimsonAngells fics (go check out _I Never Told You_. It makes me want to cry.) and listening to a lot of the music I used to listen to when this idea came to mind. This is just the set up for everything though. I'll probably update it every week or so with the exception of the next chapter which may or may not be my next post. I haven't forgotten my other fics but my muse just came back to me. I'll update them too, promise.

**Spoilers:** Up to "Born This Way", I guess but not much really.

**Major Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, Berrittana friendship, slight Pezberry romance, major Pezberry friendship, Puckleberry friendship, Kurt/Rachel friendship, Purt, Rachel, Puck, Brittany, Santana, Quinn, Kurt.

**Warning:** Language and implied sexual assault (for now)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own this or Pezberry friendship would be obvious and Faberry, Brittana and Purt would be endgame.

_Read and review cuz that makes the world go round!_

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><p>Ice cold slushie mix cascaded down her spine as she shivered in the bathroom, huddled against the wall. It was the last day of her junior year and <em>still<em> nothing had changed. She was still the girl everyone picked on, the girl who bore the brunt of all the bullying, even if Santana's Bully Whips club had stopped most of it.

She closed her eyes, leaning against the cold tile. No one could stop this, not when the person who did it hid behind that perfect smile, perfect expression, perfect…everything. She knew who it was but no one would ever believe her. No one would ever believe that she spoke the truth with that one name. They would just call her a liar and tell her that she was wrong.

Only, she was not the one who was lying, was she? She was the victim, the one who let everyone treat her like nothing when all she really wanted was a friend, just one friend. Still, she could not let anyone see that vulnerable part of her. They would only use it against her just like all the other times they had done it.

Her hand slipped to rest in between her legs where she could still feel the pain beating a harsh reminder of her status. She was lower than low, fit only for that purpose and nothing more. She was just lucky that she had decided to start taking the pill after that near experience with Jesse. It did not help the pain but at least that was all she would have to deal with, or so she hoped.

Truth be told, she was not looking forward to going to the doctor's office _again_. She would go twice a month just to be sure, but each time she was more nervous than the last. She was sure that he could see what she did not want others to know, the things she kept hidden from everyone else. She hated feeling like that, like a freak show for everyone to see and jeer at.

The door opened and closed but she did not pay attention to it. She was too caught up in the pain to even notice the entry of two people intent on using the bathroom as a hideout. Curling into herself, she rocked back and forth, letting a small whimper escape her lips.

"Streisand?"

"Rachel? What are you doing on the floor?"

She ignored Brittany and Santana, not wanting to have to look at them and see the concern etched into the blonde's expression. Brittany cared but, then again, she was…Brittany. She could not just not care. It would be like asking her to not breathe.

It hurt, physically and emotionally, to let herself be seen like this. She was worthless in everyone's eyes, just a pathetic worm that no one would ever care for. She was ready for it all to end, ready to just give in to the blackness that threatened to overtake her.

"Come on Yentl. B asked you a question." Santana's voice was laced with annoyance but there was also a hunt of concern. That was new but she did not let herself dwell on it. "Least you could do is answer her."

"Hurts…so much…pain…" She did not hear her, too lost to form a coherent answer. "Ugly…freak…stupid…worthless…nothing…annoying…ManHands…tranny…dyke… carpet muncher…outsider…don't belong…fag-spawn…unwanted…"

She punctuated each phrase with a sob, tears running down her cheeks and onto her arms. She was breaking inside and out, not caring that _Santana Lopez_ was witness to it. She had finally had too much and it was all coming together to hurt her and destroy her in so many ways that she wanted to end it right there. She did not care that it could actually happen, especially when she started to cough up blood. She just wanted it to.

She vaguely heard Santana saying something and the bang of the door once more before she felt herself being pulled into a lean, feminine body. Gentle fingers ran through her hair as Santana's voice floated into her ear, whispering softly in Spanish. Not knowing what else to do at this point, she cried into the Latina's chest.

"Shh Baby Girl," she said, switching to English as she rocked her. "We'll stop the pain somehow. Don't worry about it. The pain'll stop. You're beautiful, Baby Girl, beautiful and smart and talented and worth so much more than you know. I'm sorry we ever made you think otherwise."

She shook her head. This was just the pity talking. Santana was not sorry, she never would be. She would just come back another day, slushie in hand to be thrown at her. She did not say it but she knew better than anyone that this girl would only turn on her if she let herself trust her.

Lines started to blur and sound faded as unconsciousness crept up on her. She had seen it coming and did not even try to stop it. This was what she wanted, what she needed, and she welcomed it.

* * *

><p>She sat on the couch in the corner of the office, grateful once again that her Uncle Luis was powerful enough to allow for such a luxury. It had been hours since she, Brittany and Puck had brought Rachel to the hospital where her uncle had taken one look at the girl and grabbed control of the situation. She had called him on the way, confiding what she suspected about her.<p>

Santana was no fool. She knew the signs, recognised the meaning of tattered clothes and self-deprecating words just like she knew what it felt like in that position. As soon as she had seen the girl on the floor, a complete wreck and opposite of what she usually knew her to be, she had known. When Rachel had started to recite every name they had called her and every word that had been thrown her way like a mantra to stop the pain, though, she finally let herself reach out to her.

"She'll be okay, right S?"

"I don't know," she replied, pulling Brittany onto her lap so that the blonde was straddling her waist. "She was in pretty bad shape when we found her and the doctors still have to run some tests on her before they can say anything."

"Your uncle'll help her, though, right? Just like he helped you?"

She tried not to flinch at the question, answering with a small "I don't know" before falling silent. Brittany liked Rachel and she did not know what to tell her about the diva's condition to make her stop worrying. She was in the OR at the moment but even her uncle could not tell her much more than that.

She felt like shit, thinking of Rachel and what she had helped to do. She had wanted power so much that she had given into Quinn's request to torture the girl, never pausing to consider what it would do to her, to them.

"B, do you remember when I asked you to get Quinn? Why didn't you?"

That was not the question she had intended to ask but as soon as it was out she found herself needing to hear the answer. Brittany always tried to do as she asked, always afraid of disappointing her for some unfathomable reason, but this time she had not. Santana was curious about that, not that she was angry. She just wanted to know how Brittany knew that Puck was the better choice.

"I saw her slushie Rachel." Brittany ducked her head in shame. "I should have stopped her but I didn't know what to do. Please don't be mad S."

"I'm not mad at you, B," she sighed, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend. I'm just worried about her, that's all."

"You like Rachel too, don't you S?"

"She's lonely."

"Just like you."

"I'm not lonely B. I have you, remember?"

"Still, you need a friend."

She buried her head in the crook of Brittany's neck, unable to say anthing to that. How did this girl know her so well? A gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach told her that it was the truth. Even with Brittany, she still felt alone at times. Maybe being friends with Rachel would not be so bad after all.

"Her wardrobe needs to go, though. The really does look like a pedo's fantasy girl."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing S?"

"It's a bad thing, B, a really bad thing."

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><p>"What the fuck do you want Fabray?"<p>

Groaning she rolled over to the other side of the bed on her stomach, her phone still pressed to her ear. She hated that even though their summer vacation had begun, her mother still insisted that she get up before six in the morning.

"And hello to you too, sunshine. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out today. We could go to the mall or something."

"I'm kinda busy right – Britt-Britt! Don't scare me like that. No I haven't seen Rachel yet."

Her eyes narrowed when she heard the diva's name. She wondered briefly why Santana would even want to be around her. Before she could ask, however, the line went dead.

Shaking her head, she called the Latina again. She picked up on the first ring.

"What is your problem Santana? Hanging out with Berry?"

"Don't call her that. She has a name, Blondie."

"Why? You never seemed to have a problem with it before."

"That was before I – mmmph, Britt. That feels so good. Look, I can't talk right now Juno. Me and B's gonna get our mack on while my uncle's not here."

This time, when Santana hung up on her she did not bother to call her back. There was something about the way she had defended the other girl that made her uneasy. She could not possibly know could she?

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><p>She sighed, getting up off of Brittany. They had fallen asleep on the couch together after Quinn's call, having spent most of the night waiting for news of Rachel. Looking up, she found herself face to face with her uncle who was smiling slightly as he moved to sit behind his desk.<p>

"You don't have nightmares when you sleep with her."

She nodded, suddenly awake. "That's one of the reasons I love her."

He laughed softly at this but his eyes remained serious. "You're lucky, you know. Not many girls can go through that and come out alive and sane. Most of them still have problems healing emotionally."

"I know, but I have to stay strong for her."

"She's not the only one who needs your strength."

"What do you mean? What happened to Rachel?"

He sighed and met her gaze directly. "You were right, Santana. Your friend, she was raped."


	2. I Am the Lie Living for You

**A/N:** Told you I'd update this soon. This chapter's gonna see some character development for my favourite hazel-eyed blonde so as a warning, yes, I really see her as being like that if this were real life because let's face it, the show starts off with a lovely premise and dips into mediocrity just to avoid being as good as it can be. I say this out of love and because we're to be drowned in Finchel in the next episode (yeah, I'm kinda bitter about that). I love the show, though. To my reviewers, all five of you, thanks! And to **nightcuddler**, in particular, wouldn't that spoil the surprise?

**Spoilers:** Up to "Born This Way", I guess but not really.

**Major Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, Berrittana friendship, slight Pezberry romance, major Pezberry friendship, Puckleberry friendship, Kurt/Rachel friendship, Purt, Rachel, Puck, Brittany, Santana, Quinn, Kurt.

**Warning:** Language and implied sexual assault (for now).

**Disclaimer:** I don't own this or Pezberry friendship would be obvious and Faberry, Brittana and Purt would be endgame.

_I'm like Rachel Berry. I feed off of reviews._

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><p>Santana just sat there, memories swirling around in her head. The word <em>raped<em> kept playing in her mind on repeat like some sick joke that just would not stop. She wanted to deny it but she knew that it was true. How many times had she seen and ignored that haunted look in the girl's eyes whenever she passed by with Quinn and Brittany? How many times had she flinched when a guy other than Puck or Kurt approached her? The signs were all there but she had refused to see them.

"How…how many times?" she asked, hating the words as they came out. It had been too long since this all began for it to be just once. "How many times was she…?"

"I don't know, Santi." Her uncle frowned and shook his head. She was sure that he was seeing the same things that she saw at that moment. "The indications are there that it's happened regularly but, unless your friend says anything, we don't know how many times it's actually happened."

"She was curled up in a ball when we found her, Uncle Luis. It was like she didn't even see us. She just kept repeating the same things over and over again." She glanced at Brittany, glad that the blonde was asleep at the moment. "I-I was part of the group that tortured her everyday. It felt sick doing it but I couldn't stop. I need that power to protect B, us."

"It's not your fault."

"It is!" She stood up and started to pace, unable to remain seated as the guilt pressed down on her. "I saw the signs! I knew what they meant and I still allowed it to happen. If I hadn't let my stupid pride get to me then it would never have gotten this far."

She collapsed against the door, sliding to the ground and pulling her knees into her chest. She could feel the panic setting in again, everything she had felt at that time and all the new emotions she had experienced when they found Rachel in that bathroom. She was scared and she had every right to be.

"I thought it would be different but it's not," she said in a small voice. "I thought that it wouldn't matter."

"It is different. You're here for her aren't you?" She nodded. "Good. Then you can go see her. Do you want to?"

"Y-yeah." She pushed herself up and looked over to Brittany again. "Take care of B for me will you?"

She nodded and he stood up to lead her to Rachel's room. On the way there she saw Puck waiting with his head in his hands and motioned for him to follow her. She felt sorry for the boy, knowing exactly how much he saw the singer as a sister. This must have been killing him inside and she was at a loss for things to say to comfort him.

When they arrived at Rachel's room, her uncle left the two of them there. They both stared at the girl in the bed, so small and weak that they were afraid that just looking would break her as she slept.

Puck was the first to move, going over to kneel on the ground next to her bed and taking her hand in his. She relaxed a little and shifted closer to his touch but did not wake. It was as if she could sense his presence and it comforted her. Santana just stood there, unsure of what to do.

"She told me why they picked on her," the Jewish boy said after a while. "I didn't believe it at first because they've always been bullying her but when the same thing happened over and over again, I knew. She never told me about _that_, though. She never told me what those bastards did."

His voice was soft and close to breaking as he stared at Rachel. Santana moved closer and wrapped an arm around him as she covered his hand with hers. He leaned into her slightly, never looking away from Rachel.

"San, she's…she's like you and Brittany…like me and Kurt." He swallowed hard as if the confession was choking him. "She's…she's gay."

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><p>She did not know how long she stood in front of the school, lighter in hand as she played with the carton, before she walked away. She needed time to think about what she was doing, what she was involved in.<p>

It was a hypocritical decision, that she knew to be true, but she could not afford to do anything that could ruin her. She had to remain in control now that she was no longer Head Cheerio. After all, she was Quinn Fabray and she was always in control.

She lit the cigarette and inhaled, enjoying the tantalising warmth that flooded her body at the action. It was moments like these when she was able to forget who she was, who she came from. In these moments she was always able to forget that she was Russell Fabray's child.

She grimaced when it burned out, dropping the cigarette butt to the ground and smothering it with her shoe. Slipping her sunglasses over her eyes, she shook her head and walked away from the school, wondering if she would ever be able to look at it in the same way again.

It disgusted her, how much she could get away with just because she was a pretty, blonde face. The boys tripped over themselves to do anything for her and the teachers never believed that she would be capable of any kind of _active_ bullying. Sure, there was name calling and the occasional slushie facial but anything violent? No, that was not her. Even her supposed boyfriend, Finn, was so naïve as to believe that she was completely innocent.

Quinn knew she was the exact opposite of that. How could she not be when she had lied and cheated and manipulated her way to where she was now? She had perfected the act long ago and it was used often enough that people thought it was the real her. They were poor, pathetic fools who would never amount to anything.

She looked up when she came to her destination, cringing slightly at the pain in her wrist as she re-opened the cuts. No one knew the real Quinn, the real person behind the mask. It was time to show them, time to reveal who she really was, if only a little.

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><p>She woke up to find herself pressed between two bodies. That was when the panic set in and she tried to claw her way out of their hold. Only when they fell off of the bed did she stop, growing confused as she took in her surroundings.<p>

"Geez, Rach. Couldn't warn a bro before you decided to attack him?"

She turned to the source of the voice and frowned when she saw Puck. What was he doing here? Why was _she_ here?

"Calm down, Puckerman. Panic attacks like that are normal." She turned to look at Santana who just grinned at her. "Good to see you awake Baby Girl. At least you didn't go into a fucking coma. Now, mind telling me why someone like you would be raped several times and severely, I might add?"

"I-I w-wasn't –"

"Cut the crap and tell me the truth," the Latina interrupted, coming to sit next to her. "You can trust me. If I really wanted to hurt you do you think I'd be here still after Puck told me about what you are? Or that I'd even think to get you here in the first place?"

She shook her head, not wanting to have to relive that again. She just wanted to go home and let sweet oblivion take over once more. It was never going to end and telling Santana would just make it worse.

"Rachel, I have to call Kurt and tell him where we are." Puck moved over to the door before turning back. "Do anything to hurt her Lopez and I'll personally end your life."

She watched him walk out before Santana pulled her in closer. Something stirred inside of her then, a need that she had to fulfil so desperately that she just let it be. When Santana pressed her for answers again, she pushed the ex-cheerleader back and shifted until she was straddling her waist.

"I-I can't tell anyone," she whispered, hands fisting in the fabric of the girl's shirt. "He'll make it worse."

"Who'll make it worse, Baby Girl?"

"I-I can't say."

Santana was about to ask something else but she did not want to let this chance slip away. For all she knew, it could have been the last one available to her and she wanted so desperately to know just once what it felt like.

Ducking down quickly, she pressed her lips to Santana's, moving slowly as she savoured the warmth of her breath and the sweet taste of her. She did not apply much pressure at first but, when the other girl made to deepen the kiss, she allowed herself to let go, moaning when she opened her mouth and their tongues met.

She pulled away when the need for oxygen became apparent and slid her body lower so that she was now lying on the Latina. Pressing her ear against her chest, she could hear Santana's heart beating in time with hers. She had always thought that it was a clichéd expression but now she wondered.

"How long?" the other brunette asked after a few minutes had gone by. "How long have you known that you were like this?"

"Forever," she said quietly as the girl's heartbeats lulled her back to sleep. "Forever and always."

* * *

><p>Brittany was not smart but she was not completely stupid either. She just saw the world differently. Most people would attribute it to some form of superior sense and intuition. She just saw it as a part of her life and something that she could trust.<p>

When she followed Santana's uncle to Rachel's room and saw the two girls lying in bed together one would expect her to think the worst. After all, Santana had come out and told her that she loved her. Repeatedly. What Brittany did in actuality was to sit down next to them and run her fingers along Santana's arm.

"Mmm…Britt," the Latina said, waking up slowly and blinking. "What are you doing up here?"

"Your uncle brought me here when I woke up and couldn't find you. I was scared."

"You were?"

"Yeah. I didn't want you to get those dreams again."

"Oh." The brunette looked down and it was only then that she seemed to realise what position she was in. Eyes widening, she turned to face her girlfriend. "B, I can explain."

Brittany shook her head. "Will Rachel have bad dreams too?"

"I-I don't know, B. They hurt her pretty bad."

"Like you San?"

"Yeah." She sighed. "I don't know what to do here B."

"Stay with her."

"What?"

"Stay with Rachel. She needs you because you know what it's like to be like this."

"She kissed me, you know."

"She did?"

"Yeah. Puck, he told me that she was just like us."

"Then she needs you even more. Rachel doesn't have anyone to be strong for her like you're strong for me."

"I don't want to hurt you Britt."

"I know San." She grinned. "She likes you, you know. Maybe not as much as I do but she likes you."

"I can't do it, B. It'd be like lying. It's cheating when there are feelings involved."

"Remember when we did it for the first time? You were sad because of what he did and you just wanted to feel something."

"I remember that," she said, instinctively pulling Rachel into her more. Brittany knew that Santana was starting to see what she was saying.

"I don't want Rachel to feel alone."

"You're really okay with this?"

"Yes."

"I kinda like her too B."

"I know."

"She likes someone else. You said so yourself."

"Help her, San."

"Okay. Promise you'll stay?"

"Always."

No, Brittany was not dumb. She knew what her friends needed and she was willing to give it to them if she could. Rachel was sad and she did not want her to be sad. She would do anything to make her happy again, just like she did with Santana.


	3. Let's play for keeps

**A/N:** Hi there. I'm back, sort of. As with anything not on the priority list (_And All I Feel Is This Cruel Wanting, Crimson Pouring Through My Veins, _an HP fic and another weird-ass glee fic) this will be updated every 2-3 weeks. This way I can have more than one chapter written if needed for any particular reason.

**Spoilers:** Up to "Born This Way", I guess but not really. Also, the girl is actually the Dalek. Shh.

**Major Characters/Pairings:** Faberry, Brittana, Berrittana friendship, slight Pezberry romance, major Pezberry friendship, Puckleberry friendship, Kurt/Rachel friendship, Purt, Rachel, Puck, Brittany, Santana, Quinn, Kurt.

**Warning:** Language and implied sexual assault (for now).

**Disclaimer:** I don't own this or Pezberry friendship would be obvious and Faberry, Brittana and Purt would be endgame. Forgot to add to previous chapters but the titles come from _Monster_ by Meg & Dia and _Hello_ by Evanescence, respectively. This one comes from _In a Red Dress and Alone_ by Evans Blue and the full thing is "Let's play for keeps so I know you can never get the best of me".

_I'm like Rachel Berry. I feed off of reviews._

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><p>She had not moved from her bedroom for two weeks except for the occasional trips to the bathroom and mandatory appearances when her mother demanded it. She had the ability to move but she lacked the will. What was the point anyway when all she would get in return was a brief acknowledgement and a harsh reminder of what her home life had become?<p>

It was better up here anyway. In her room the past may have haunted her but at least she was free to relive it as she saw fit. Everyday she would trace the tattoo on her left hand as she let the memories that were constantly there take over until the need to lash out came over her again.

Sighing, she gripped her arm and strapped it down to her desk with a belt. As the small hammer arched in the air and made contact with her flesh she felt all the tension leave her body. She never hit hard enough to break the bone, just enough to cause the right amount of pain to distract her from herself. Sometimes she was tempted to go further but she never could get up the courage to do it.

Grimacing, she made her way back to the bed and curled her body around a pillow. She really was pathetic but at least in the darkness of her room no one would judge her for that weakness.

Behind closed eyelids she felt rather than saw the darkness lighten a bit and heard the swinging of her door as someone entered. Thinking it was her mother she did not bother to turn around, hoping that she would just leave her alone.

"S says you really shouldn't stay in the dark so long Q."

"Britt!"

She jumped out of the bed, falling to the floor in surprise. She had not expected the blonde to come to her house. The last she had heard, both Santa and Brittany were spending their summer with Berry. She had even accepted the fact that they were not going to be around her house after that first week had passed.

"Wha-what are you doing here B?" she cursed herself for stuttering when she thought she had gotten rid of that particular problem but she was still trying to calm herself. "I thought you and Santana were with Ber–"

"You need to apologise to Rachel."

"What?"

"I know what you've done to her Quinn. It's in Rachie's eyes every time your name comes up but she still refuses to say it."

"What exactly are you implying B?"

"Nothing." She was taken aback by the seriousness of her friend's answer.

Quinn knew about the act Brittany put on in front of others but to see it nowhere in sight was unnerving her. "I'm not implying anything Q. All I'm saying is that you need to see Rachel and soon so you can apologise."

"Fine," she acquiesced, "I'll go see her but not today. Give me a week to finish sorting my shit out and I'll go, okay?"

"One week, Q. One week."

* * *

><p>She looked up at the Fabray home one more time before jogging down the street. There were a lot of things Brittany did not know – NASA level rocket science, for example, but really, how many high school students did? – but she did know that the Berry home was only three streets away from the Fabray's. She also knew that Quinn had probably spent hours just sitting outside of Rachel's house wanting to apologise but never finding the courage to.<p>

The look in Quinn's eyes when they had spoken had said it all. She had seen the fear in them and the guilt that she had seen eat her away daily when they were at school. This Quinn could not do it, though. This Quinn would never be able to say sorry. They both knew it.

Sighing, she forced herself up the stairs to Rachel's door and entered the house, heading straight to the living room. Pausing at the door, she watched as Santana and Rachel cuddled on the couch while an old episode of _Teen Titans_ played on-screen. The smaller girl was asleep and Santana was stroking her hair absent-mindedly although her eyes were still on the television.

"She's kind of like a kitten, isn't she S?" she asked, moving to snuggle into Santana's other side. "I mean, she's small and cute and you just want to pet her."

"Yeah," her companion mumbled, still not looking away from the TV. "How was Q?"

"She says she needs time before she can come over."

"Mmm-hmm. How much?"

"One week."

Santana just nodded in acknowledgement.

* * *

><p>"You're really going to stay up here forever Quinn?"<p>

She did not turn to her mother or acknowledge her in any way. She refused to delude herself into thinking that the woman cared. Instead, she just focused on the wall before her, noting its bare face and wondering what she would put there if given the chance.

Maybe she would get the posters for _Spring Awakening_ and _Repo! The Genetic Opera_ that she had seen in the mall. She had fallen in love with both musicals when she had watched them online during a period of lucidity, the darkness of the content appealing to her in a way that nothing else could.

"Quinn dear, this really is getting ridiculous."

Or maybe some band posters. She had been listening to a lot of "gothic" and European metal bands lately to balance out the old school Motown and soul until her iPod had transformed into an odd mixture of music. The likes Etta James, Aretha Franklin and the Jackson Five found themselves next to bands like Sirenia, Nightwish, Macbeth and Evanescence.

She had started the process of changing herself into the girl she truly was and she knew that her parents would never approve. It started with her music and the tattoo, quickly spreading through her life like a wildfire that burnt Quinn away so that the new her would shine though.

"Lucy, really," her mother huffed, slipping back into using her old name when she had gotten no response, "will you at least look at me?"

Slowly she got up and looked at her mother with disdain. That name was what she reacted to, hating the way it had slid off of the older woman's tongue like something disgusting she needed to get out of her mouth.

Lucy did not deserve hat. She may have been a lonely girl but she had always deserved better than what she had always received in the Fabray household. She knew that and she was trying to give her some peace, to honour the memory of a girl afraid of the world by preparing herself to face it bravely.

When she had told Brittany to give her a week, it was not just to prepare herself to face Rachel Berry. She needed to finish the process that she had started, the introspection and deconstruction of Quinn Fabray that would lead back to Lucy. She needed to find herself even if everyone, including the woman standing before, did not understand how or why she was doing it.

"Don't you dare call me that," she hissed. "Don't you dare tarnish that name by using it, dear mother. Lucy may have been an outcast but she was a much better girl than any of us."

"Don't you take that tone with me Quinn." Her mother narrowed her eyes. "I don't even see my daughter anymore."

"Good," she said, pulling on her Converse and heading towards the door. "She's gone now. Quinn Fabray hasn't even existed in weeks."

* * *

><p>She found him at the park near her house. He had dropped the façade of McKinley's sex shark in favour of the role off the loving boy and caring brother that he had always been. It was a good look on him.<p>

"Midget! Don't go too far, k? I don't want Ma flipping her lid because I lost you again."

He was tossing a ball back and forth in his hands as his eyes followed her progress across the park. Puck was so focused on his sister that he did not see her come up and sit next to him. She was content to stay like that for a while, just letting the peace of the moment wash over her.

It was rare for her to be able to just sit and think of nothing. Most times her head was just so full that she could rarely hear herself, much less understand herself enough for a coherent thought. She relished these moments, fleeting as they were, of clarity that eased both mind and conscience.

"You're no longer Quinn, are you?"

Puck's voice broke the silence but neither of them turned to face the other. It would have been too easy to see it, the hopelessness of her situation and the new confidence that seemed to overtake him. He was concerned about her and she was happy for him but neither was prepared to see those expressions on their faces.

"That would be correct," she muttered with false enthusiasm. "Give the boy a prize!"

He huffed in annoyance. "Who are you then?"

She thought about it for a moment. She was not Quinn Fabray, head cheerlead and perfect, pure, virgin Christian girl. Quinn had used that mask to hide the twisted nature of her own life, to hide away and keep the world from seeing the monster she had become all on her own. Yet she was not Lucy yet, either. That little girl had been put to rest a long time ago when she had decided to protect her from the world. So who was she?

"I don't know. D'you think I can get back to you with that?"

Puck laughed bitterly at this. "Better be careful then. If you lose yourself then we may never be able to find you again."

"Like you would know," she scoffed. "I'll be fine."

"I've seen this before, you know," he said, not caring if her attention was caught as his eyes never left his sister. It was almost as if he was talking to himself. "You change yourself little by little until you don't recognise yourself anymore. Then, when that happens and you don't like it, you do it all over again until you become something empty and heartless."

"I'm already heartless Puck."

Her voice was barely a whisper but it did not matter. Even if he had not heard her he had to know that it was true. She was cruel and manipulative to a fault. On most days she did not feel anything and when she did? She did not want to feel it at all.

"You're not heartless. A little behind the learning curve maybe but definitely not heartless. You're just scared of what it makes you feel." He got up with a groan. "At least, that's what Rachel says and I tend to believe her over Hudson."

He called out to his sister and left her sitting there in stunned silence.


End file.
